Parkview Health: Connect with loved ones, not devices, during the holidays

Story provided by Parkview Health:

FORT WAYNE – As you gather with friends and family for the holidays, keeping your phone in your pocket instead of your hand could help you make stronger connections and nurture positive emotions with your loved ones.

You don’t have to put your devices under lock and key, but being mindful and intentional about when and how you’re using them can help you avoid distraction and disconnection and build better relationships.

Brandon T. McDaniel, senior research scientist at the Parkview Mirro Center for Research and Innovation, studies family interactions and device use and said his research shows that while devices can have useful, positive impacts (such as connecting with others and coping with stress), they can also lead you to unintentionally disconnect from the people around you.

“If these kinds of interactions with our technology are happening frequently, it can unintentionally create disconnection, and these small moments of disconnection can build up over time,” McDaniel said. “These disconnections, to put it simply, just don’t feel good. Children or teens can begin to react and feel less cared for, sometimes experiencing lower self-worth, especially if they perceive their parents are treating the device as more important than them.”

McDaniel’s most recent research studied the device use of mothers with infants, noting that while babies are too young to understand what a device is or what it’s being used for, they notice that their caregiver’s focus has shifted from them to something else.

“All infants see is that their mother’s face has gone blank as she looks at her phone,” McDaniel said. “Consider the ways it inherently causes a distraction or changes the quality of that interaction. No longer is the focus on the interaction that was taking place. It’s shifted to the phone.”

Although McDaniel finds that phone use can be empowering at times for mothers, such as helping them find the parenting support they need in the moment, moments of distraction can lead to feelings of guilt over missed parenting moments. McDaniel suggests that parents think carefully about how they would like their device use to fit into their parenting so they can change some of these habits, reducing the guilt they experience.

While his recent study focused on mothers and infants, a similar impact can be observed across interactions in families of all ages, he said. If you’re frequently engaged with your devices instead of your family during times you are together, it can send a message that your phone or tablet is more important or more deserving of your attention than your spouse or children or friends and may lead to negative emotions, dissatisfaction or feelings of exclusion.

“If everyone is sitting around focused on their devices, this can create a situation where you’re together but alone,” McDaniel said. “If that’s the most common way you’re all together, you’re going to slowly create disconnection as opposed to connection.”

McDaniel clarifies that popping on your phone now and again isn’t going to instantly ruin relationships. Instead, if it happens frequently, then effects will be stronger. McDaniel advises that being more mindful and intentional about when and how you’re using your devices can help you create stronger interactions.

For example, a family might have a “no phones at dinner” rule so that everyone can talk and share and interact with one another. Or a parent might set a rule to not bring their phone into their child’s bedroom so that they can be fully engaged in story time or bedtime rituals. During holiday get-togethers, leaving your phone in your pocket so you can talk with family members, pay attention during gift opening or get on the floor and play with some new toys with your kids can create opportunities for high-quality bonding.

“Try to carve out specific intentional time — screen-free times — when you can really have these high-quality interactions,” McDaniel said. “Make sure those times are happening. That will really help alleviate some of the potential negative emotions and impacts.”

McDaniel also warns that having a reasonable justification for using your phone – such as having to answer a work email from your boss or responding to a text message from a friend – doesn’t always erase the impact the distraction might have on others. Younger children may not understand why you’re suddenly shifting your attention. Even in older children, teens or adults, explaining why you need to pay attention to your device could help a little, but the distraction has still changed the quality of the interaction.

“If it is something important or urgent that needs to be done, that happens,” McDaniel said. “Our work just shows that explanations don’t necessarily take away the potential negative effects. The best way forward is to do your best to be intentional and separate your solo device use from the times when you could have higher quality, focused time with people around you.”

Like most lifestyle changes, McDaniel doesn’t recommend trying some radical overhaul of your life. Instead, collaborate with your family and set small goals that you can reasonably achieve.

“You can’t just go from 0 to 100,” he said. “I would recommend that these kinds of discussions happen as a family if possible, so that you can have more buy-in from everyone and you start from a place of love and understanding. This isn’t about you attacking a friend, partner or child for their device use. This is about creating times when you can build relationships and memories together.”